Thursday, September 30, 2010

He is Not the One for You If....

The Negotiator
Ok. So basically, lately I have realized that even though as women, we have the most amazing talents, we are really bad at misinterpreting the things that guys do. It's like we find some way to twist around their words and actions to make them MEAN something. And even worse, we will take the worst, most ignorant words and actions and twist them into things that seem to mean something GOOD. No! Stop it!

I am the queen of overanalyzing. Ask about me. Anyone who knows me will tell you.
He's not the one for you if.....

*While you guys are ALWAYS on the phone together....strangely he never has "time" to call before say, about, hmmmm 1 in the morning!

*He would see you more during the day, but he is always working. But while he is always at work....its funny that he has no car, no food to eat, and asked you to borrow twenty dollars til he gets paid[ notice he didnt say WHEN he gets paid. Probably another one who thinks he's gonna be a rapper. Lord help us!]

*He hits you. I'm not even going to elaborate on this, because I'll get extremely upset. All I know is that if he hits you in a state of anger, anger...anger is not an excuse. Because people live their whole lives being angry. Let that go NOW. Otherwise, I'll be forced to beat some sense into you. Which, while hypocritical, you gotta admit...if you let some guy get away with it, I don't have to worry!

*He makes "little jokes" that would really hurt your feelings if you didn't tell yourself that they are just little jokes. People who love you, won't even kid around about anything that would make you sad or make you think you aren't good enough. Because you are. And you deserve to be treated like it.

*He doesnt introduce you to the people who are important to him. This goes double if you've been together for more than 6 months....point blank, a dude sticking around for 6 months is a big deal. It's his way of saying, "You are important to me, I adore you, and you are more than worth my time." That's how he feels about the people he loves. So it only makes sense that he would want all of his loved ones to get to know each other. So be cautious. If he's not introducing you...who did they already meet?!?!

*He fronts. For example, if you arent exclusive yet, and he's running around claiming you....while its flattering to know that he is so juiced to be the one talking to you and all, it's just plain rude to put labels on things without understanding what they are. You need to both come together to define what you have going on...and if he's saying something else to people.....snip,snip!!

*He is never consistent. A guy who cannot maintain any aspect of his life cannot maintain a relationship. It's another kind of routine in life. And if he has no regard for routines, he's probably not going to be able to give you the attention you need. And so many girls are saying "That's cool! I don't need a lot of attention!! He can leave me be til I want him around!"! Stop lying!! Because you know when you do want him, and you call, and his phone is off because he doesnt pay his bills on time because he's too busy wandering through life and acting like nothing're gonna be an angry woman.

*He'll lie about ANYTHING. Jesus. I mean, if its raining outside and you tell me its 75 degrees and dry with no clouds, I'm gonna wonder. People lie, I know. But there is no sense in lying about retarded stuff. If he can't be honest about the fact that he's really going out with his boys and not his Grandma like he said, just because he "thought you'd be mad," theres a problem!! Anyone who feels like he has to lie to you, or doesnt respect you enough to be honest with you, is wasting your time. And you know how I feel about wasting time! Let him go.

*He's addicted. And I don't necessarily mean to you [maybe you like the clingy type,it aint for me, but hey! Party on.] I mean, if you rarely have any type of contact with him where he is not drunk as a skunk or so high in the sky that he can't get to you. I understand everyone has a vice and it seems like you can't meet anyone who doesnt drink, smoke, gamble, or just need head so bad that they have to recruit all of San Bernardino's youth to facilitate themselves. But that doesn't change the fact that you need to devote your time and affection to someone who knows their limits. Drugs and alcohol affect judgement. And judgement is a big part of being in a relationship because you expect him to know what NOT to do to hurt you. So, that being said, when his excuse for everything he does To hurt you links to "Babe, I was so faded.I didn't even know her name! See? She doesnt matter to me!" or even simple things like "I was gonna call you back, but I was sooooooooooo faded!", think about things a little. Because you can't live your whole life drowning in booze or clouded in smoke. And you can't be a good part of someone else's either.

The list goes on....but I think I hit the basic non-neogotiables. Make your own revisions and decisions, and please share!!!Thanks!

Til Next Time! smooches! XOXO

Boo? That's SCARY!

Ahem. I refuse to willingly admit that I am kinda bad with this one. Oops. Wait! Just did!

Moving on.

"Boo'd Up"...translation: Being consistently "friendly" or "tied-up" with a guy...without attaching any kind of significant title to the situation. [And the people I roll with know better than to try and finagle their way out of being categorized by this by looking for some silly kind of loophole. Don't be in denial....its not a good look.]

Being "Boo'd Up" goes horribly wrong when.....

*Guy A is an aquaintence, associate,close friend, relative, or parent of Guy's B-Z. Not cute.
* The afforementioned Guy A sees you everywhere you go with Boo B-Z because they run in the same circles.
*You tag guy B in the background of a pik of you and Guy A on your Facebook page.
*Guy A asks aboutYou B and acts as if they believe you when you act like you don't know what the HECK he is talking about....and you really fall for that mess.
*Guy A tried to make a Guy B outta your best friend.
*Guy A-Z seem to all come over and like to do the same things at your house...or ask about each others toothbrushes.
*You are a real  mess if you wear Guy A's t-shirt to another Guy's house. But that's a gangster move, so I give you props. Lol.
*You go to the party and Guy's A-Z all decide to show up acting as if they are the one and only Boo and have the mutha-freakin audacity to tail you all night and get mad about the fact that you picked up six new Boo's, chopped it up all night with the ones you already have, and managed to cut a few Guy's out of the picture while you were breakin' off your favorites!
*Guy A is secretly in love with Guy B. Yikes.

Im in a hella goofy mood.....forgive me.

Til Next Time! Smooches! XOXO

What About Your Friends?

I mean, what else can I say [well, a whole lot,actually.but you know what I mean.]
It seems to me that around this time of year, everyone is in such a rush to be in a freakin relationship. And don't make that face at me either. I'm guilty of it too. but that doesn't make it smart. I understand there are all kinds of parties and events and holidays that seem like they'd be so much more fun if you had a boyfriend to take to all of them and introduce. But it's not like the little black dress or the perfect cardigan of the season. A boyfriend isn't a damn accessory. Yeah, its looking like the boyfriend is way better to take to the haunted house, but guess what? Your girls can be just as fun. Boyfriends are a commitment. Even when you both agree that you arent looking for that kind of commitment, you are commiting to no commitment. DUMB! You are also commiting to 1] not scoping out all the other eye candy at parties[on the rare occasion your homegirls can even get you out of the house anymore.] 2] the random argument over something dumb, like the fact that your group presentation means that you are in a group that has (GASP!) boys in it! And I mean, now that you have a boyfriend, you cant possibly act like other guys exist, even if they dress like Steve Urkel and act like a girl.

And that is just the beginning!! I'm sure yo can go on and on about all of the things that come with a relationship! So I don't have to! But truly, settling is so not cool. A boyfriend shouldn't invove planned attack and action. It should come from a comfortable friendship you already had, or maybe from some chance meeting with a potential Mr.Right. It's not about the search. And I hate when I get to feeling so lonely that I want to go hunt for a new guy. I want to kick myself in the behind because I know better!! There are definitely some LOVELY perks involved. But I'd rather concentrate on the task of waiting for the challenge I have with someone that I KNOW I really want. And believe me, I may just be waiting forever....but that's because my heart tells me I should.

Until then....I'm trying to cope with this single life people rave about. And I think its cute how the first hussy to "looooooooooooooooove being single" happens to be the one who JUST barely got out of a relationship anyways. And you know I'm right!

Til Next Time! Smooches! XOXO

Let It Go. No....but, Seriously this Time!!

Ok. Let's talk about love.

A couple of years ago, I let go of my constant need to be in denial and believe that I am NOT in love with somebody. But my problem with that lays in the fact that I truly don't love them like THAT. I don't love anything about them anymore, because they got silly and switched up. And in the process, they decided to switch up what I meant to them. So I have to constantly ask myself why on earth I still feel compelled to know how they are, and why their voice still gets to me the way it always have, even though I cannot STAND them.

And I know why. It's because I'm stuck in the past. I am truly sitting here believing that things will maybe, just maybe, go back to the way they used to be. But no. You can stop the sappy violin music, because it's not going down that way. I am not about to sit here and try to change anyone.That is not my job as a woman. My job is to build upon and accept a man as he is. So here I am, unable to let go. Singing and screaming at the top of my lungs and praying daily for myself and everyone else, because I am on the brink. 

What was I thinking? Honestly, anyone who knows me can vouch for the fact that I put TOO much thought into things, especially where matters of the heart are involved. That's why I think I'm onto something. But this time, I was not thinking. You can't think when  you are stuck on rewind. Thinking comes when you push forward. 

Here's my theory. You are stuck on the past because if given the opportunity, you would stay in that moment forever. But we all hate the idea of being stuck. Ironic, I know. So I came up with a new system. I miss this idiot like nothing else...but everytime I see him, I say my kind hello, and keep pushing. Every time I catch myself looking his way or wondering if he's watching me....I remind myself of something that I don't like so much. Like that time he tried to get with my "best friend" or the way he never worries about anyone but his dang self.
I have OCD. I obsess over ridiculously irrelevant things. And I have a bad habit of making a list for everything. Sometimes its a mental list. But when it comes to the point where I have to evaluate whether or not I'm letting a fool waste my time....I make a pros and cons list. I'm psycho, but it really works!! I have to sit down and talk with myself and determine which things are a no-go. For example:

*dresses well *is really close with his family *makes me laugh *TREATS ME WITH RESPECT *has a head on his shoulders *im kinda diggin' the way this boy looks.

*he acts a damn fool in public. * he looks a hot mess whenever he walks outta the house * he acts like he doesn't know that I am a LADY and I'm not about to be treated as otherwise. *i have to do his homework for him....or threaten him to take his tired behind to class.
Now see....I am really good at this. I also know that there are some things that are just NON NEOGOTIABLE. and I've got a list of those too. And I go by it religiously. It's important to know what you're looking for so that you can't be as mad when you end up with something you don't want.

And I have more to say about this later, because I'm still working on this one myself. I just thought I'd share that...becuase it was really bothering me. I wanted to stab some folks when I saw them again after a little time off. I mean, you can delete a person off of Facebook, but it doesn't mean they can't get to you. 

Til Next Time! Smooches! XOXO!

Let's Play Frisbee! Or NOT.

Lesson 4. Beware.  

Ok. I have to start by saying that some people are realllllllllllllly not going to like this lesson. Others are going to be like, "Oh, thats super easy!!" Whichever category you fall into, I just hope you read it, because either way I want your input. But real talk, I'm seriously expressing my own opinion, and backing it up with male/nigga logistics to justify the means of my cause. it goes.......take a deep breath.........


Ouch,right? Well, first of all, I'm not saying forever. I know that won't happen with half of you. Lol. But I do know one thing..... waiting is key!! I don't think half of you really understand the power of "waiting it out." Look at it this way: We constantly[and unfairly might I add] compare the male species to dogs[ ahem,some do it to themselves the ones who choose to use K-9 as a nickname...but I ain't saying anything!]. As I was saying, we compare guys to dogs, and then don't act as if that is the case. when you give up sex, you're throwing a frisbee so to speak. Well, I don't know how many of you have had a dog, but after you throw the frisbee a few times, the dog loses interest!! He doesn't run to catch it anymore. He leaves it sitting twenty-five feet away in the dirt and grass for something and anything else to be bothered with. He gets BORED. You know why? Because the challenge is gone. And that's what they are all looking for. A challenge. And they want sex too. But you can get that set off to the side easier than you think. Today, as women[and I say women with a lot of pride in my voice], we have really started to have some psycho ideas of what makes a relationship, or what makes a relationship look appealing to him. Please, please, PLEASE...stop using sex to win these dudes. If you are one of these girls...I'm sure you can attest to the fact that it doesn't work anyways!!! We want MEN right? Ok...well a real man respects your body, respects the choices you make with and for your body, and knows that if all you're tryna do is give it up[even if its just kuz you think that really will work.], that you aren't a solid prospect. 

That is not to say that you can't have your fun. But how about you save that for your "hoes." Because NO dude is running around here talking about how he needs "to find a nice ho to marry." Halle Berry, Katy Perry, Vida Guerra...sure. A woman like his momma, yeah. But not a ho. Just like you aren't looking for a ho to settle down with either. So calm all that down. Love 'em and leave 'em if you must, but don't expect the world, and don't get mad when someone plays you back the same way. Please and thank you.

Now, back to the subject. When things are starting to get a little bit deeper [you have his number, you've gone out a few times and had a good time....etc.] than you know, things lead to that awkward place where you kinda can't help but think of how you really AINT FEELING this movie and you wish he'd just take matters into his own hands.


I know it's not always easy! But get a grip girl!! Think of the time[or times, whatever, my Jesus!] that you made that mistake before. Did he call you back? Did you really get anything  you couldn't have waited for?
Be real...because half these silly niggas run around acting like they're T-Pain tryna "give you the business" and you're sitting here like "WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?!" I'm keeping it too real right now...I don't know what the heck is wrong with me right now...but I'm so serious. Half of 'em are all talk. Oh yeah, they "got all kinds of things they want to teach you" alright. They are gonna teach you to not do that ever again!!! And ooooh baby, he thinks "you like how Daddy does that rite there." WHAT THE HECK?!?! Boy, I got a daddy and I'll be darned if he had ever seen me looking like that!!And my favorite...they tell you you "aint ready." Well. I sure wasn't ready to be LET DOWN like that after the way you were going on and on about yourself. You're right! Shoot me now! They get to acting a damn fool and want to start throwing people and trying to re-enact the things they've seen on HBO after Dark.... Heck No Negro! I am NOT the one!Got me SUPER messed up! They get to straight tripping and leave me mad at myself for acting like I had any good reason to believe his silly behind. Wow. Heck no! HECK NO! I'm sorry. I got caught up in my own anger and realizations. Back to what I was saying....

 I'm gonna need you to use some sheer will-power and handle your business! If you can't think of another dang thing to do with the fool...then you have bigger problems! You need to find a new one altogether! Someone that can stimulate your mind and add some excitement to your life! Don't settle. And if you're gonna do it anyways, fine. I really don't even CARE whether you do or not, but it just seems to me like when we go through all that, we regret it later. I think you have way better things to do than cuss yourself out all night because you didn't use your common sense and left your draws under his couch. And I totally pulled that from out of nowhere, don't even trip! But really, you go through all that and then he doesnt even call you lost time, and a pair of perfectly good date draws. Not the business Sister Girl. Get it together. Keep em together. 

(Side Note: Ahem....I know a few people may wonder where the heck I came from with this one because I have a tendency to run around being rather selfish with my hoes and be entertained and then call it a day. And I would just like to say that I personally do not see anything wrong with that, because I'm not putting in any work, and I have to do SOMETHING  sometimes and I mean, its not like I'm begging for it. I was always taught to appreciate say what you want to, but I think that is far from being a  hypocrite. I just want to clear that up before the phone calls come. Lol.)

So. Yes. That is how I feel about that. I think you deserve more than to be doing nothing than throwing a frisbee...waiting for him to come back with it. Or to it, I guess the case would be. Because when he doesn't come back and you think it's because there's something wrong with you, it's gonna break my heart to be the one who has to tell you that there is something wrong with you. You have no dang patience, and you don't play the game. And like I said, you don't have to play the game my way.

But you don't have to whine to me when you lose playing your way either, now do you?

Key Points:
I think I made my point on this one. I'm not about to summarize all this business when I just got done making it plain as day and going nuts and all. If you need assistance in understanding it, write me.

What's Next?

Silly Sondra.
I gave him my TOLD me to give him my number. Why would I block it?!?!
Well, I'll tell you why. It's because half of you heiffers don't even know how to keep yourselves from calling a dude! You want to....tell yourself you don't have the guts, and then do it anyways! I know in the lesson before I said it was ok to get his number. And it is ok to call too. Not everyone is so traditional like me. I understand that you are a modern woman and will call this guy because you want to make something happen.
But some of us are straight crazy.
Therefore, by blocking your number, at least if you are off your rocker enough to call 3 times in an hour and assume every time he doesn't answer that he is "in the shower" or "in class" or "prolly still asleep," I am helping you protect yourself and not totally damage the way he sees you right now.
If you call from a blocked number, on his cell he wont know who it was. So if you plan to call repeatedly ["This fool is GONNA answer the phone! I dont know WHO he thinks he IS!"] then watch your back.
And on the off chance you decide to stop being so damn giddy, unblock it, call, leave a simple message in your sweet voice, and carry on. for all you know, you'll get him to stop being so damn busy. Maybe he was waiting to hear from you! Ever think of that? Because you shoulda. Because he is totally feeling you! Because you are amazing!
Right? Right!
This is a simple lesson. A side lesson if you will. I really only wrote it because I am concerned about some people I know and the way they get to acting over silly boys these days. And I don't know how many of you are secret psychos who do this crap. So I'm trying to do the public a service. Lol. 

'Til next time, Ladies!! Smooches! XOXO

Fake It 'til You Make It!

Ok. So let's recap really quickly. We now know that the key is to make a guy call you. Hopefully you understood where I was coming from on the concept. If not, I'm gonna need you to get in my inbox ASAP and I am almost positive I can fix that!
So now the question is "Well Sondra, what now?"
Or if you happen to be one of my close friends, your thought is probably something like "If this guy doesn't call me, I'ma kill Sondra!!!"
Whooooooooooooooa. Lol. First of all, no matter who you are, it is important that you realize something. If this dude doesn't call you, it's his loss. I don't care what the situation is. If you made it plain as day that you WERE NOT going to call him, gave him your number (clearly showing your interest, because you don't give it to someone you don't want to call you.), and you are still waiting to hear from him two weeks later, he's certifiably stupid. After all, passing up someone with the kind of confidence you showed, and not making a move? Not a good look!
So move on. There are millions of men in this world. Waiting for the stupid one is just silly. And should you ever run into him again and come into conversation….bring it up. Because I am so tired of girls saying "I'm just gonna act like nothing happened." You don't have a REAL history with this fool! You don't have to pretend!! BE REAL. And reality is, you were waiting for his foolish behind to call. And maybe if you bring it up…he'll find your number again….ring a ling… Now. On to lesson two:

"The First Phone Call"
Let me start by saying that I am sure most of you don't freeze up like a fifth grader just because there is a guy on the other line. But even still, I think this lesson is an important reminder of silly mistakes we make without even thinking about them. So read on, but don't get too worried if you know that you spill your WHOLE life story, or always end up hearing "Ummm, so, I'm sorry to interrupt but I TOLD YOU I gotta GO!" We are going to fix that! And I'm gonna ask you nicely to never in your life bore a dude that much.
I don't believe that men are not communicators. I just think that they aren't very GOOD at communicating. Sometimes, we tend to treat them like cavemen, but I'm sure you know that all you have to do is interrupt his game of XBOX to learn that he really does know how to say more than "Ugga Ugga." So let's throw that out the window. Girls can talk for hours about nothing. Because you start talking about something and before you even get to the point, you go off on a tangent. "Girl I was looking at those shoes to match my orange top….you know I got that top on sale at Nordstrom's? They always have the best sales! ….and it's better than the swapmeet…you know the swapmeet be ripping poor folks off…..did you hear about that family on extreme home makeover? They were so poor!" Goodness…it can go on forever. But I still don't know if she even bought the damn shoes.
Guys don't play that. It's almost always directly to the point. TRUST ME ON THIS! I dealt with a guy that I talked to all the time…but on the phone, I was impressed if the conversation lasted more that 3 minutes. "Hey Miss Jo…are you gonna study for that Econ test tomorrow?" "Yes, I am, because you don't so you gotta get the answers somehow right?" "Man, why you gotta say that? But you right." "I know!(laugh sweetly) What are you doing?" "Aight, cool. I'm watchin the game. See you tomorrow. Thanks!"
[Insert "Dang….for real?" and a few assorted curse words and references to monkeys here. But that's what I get for being everyone's cheat sheet.]
Sidenote: YES. I just took it back to high school. And what?!?!
Here is what I need you to do. When he calls(because he will), I wait for the old-fashioned "three rings" (or halfway through the chorus of a Gucci song, with my cell phone) before I answer. When you answer….put a little chaos in your voice. I don't care if you are sitting on the couch painting your nails! Sound busy…because you won't have a thing to talk about if you aren't. You'll probably still make due, but with a lot of weird pauses and "oh's." Not cute. Watch this:
You:[even tho you were blasting Spice girls and singing "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!"] Hello?
Him: Hello? Um is this Sondra?
You: Yes, who is this?
Him: Oh, what's good? This is  Richard from the other night….What are you doing?
You: Oh Hey! Nothing much, I've got this killer headache and my stomach is making these bubbly noises, so of course I've been in and out of the bathroom all day…but….

Now then….back to business.
You: Oh, hi Richard. I'm doing good. Just got back from the gym and I'm trying to decide what to make for dinner. How about you?(You like how I put food in there huh? They weren't lying when they said the way is through his stomach. Now you've got him thinking.)
Him: Oh man, you cook? That's what's up. What are you thinking about making?
You: I was thinking maybe stirfry, but I don't know if I have time for all that, because I have sooo much to do!
Him: Oh, I got you.
You: Oh my goodness! I just remembered something! Can I call you right back? What's your number?! (Yes, now you can get his number. But don't use it until you read lesson three!!!!)

So. Now you end the phone call. And think of 3 or 4 things to talk about. Write em down if you have to. I don't care. As long as you hang the dang phone up! Then, wait an hour to call him back. I normally wait a whole day to call back. But if he was that great or you get hooked really easily, fine. An hour. Nothing less. But see, when you wait longer, they tend to feel like you dissed them. And while you may think that is a bad thing, it's not. While he's over here getting his BVD's in a bunch, he's probably wondering what was so much more important than him. They RARELY think anything comes before them. Prove it wrong. (Because no matter how nice he is, he doesn't want to know that you are handwashing your period undies, or any other life story that doesnt give him a chanve to relate. Keep it simple.)
Two things happen here. 1] When you call back, you show him you are interested without putting it in a mushy love letter(I was the PICASSO of the mushy love letter.And I only delivered like two of a million) and 2] He starts realizing that you have things to do. And he is just gonna have to find a way to keep your attention if he wants it so dang bad!!!And when you call back, apologize for the wait. You see, you had to call your girl back because you had to iron out the last details of your plans for the night, and then you had errands to run...blah blah. You are busy. Say it with me now....BUSY.Lol.The important thing is, you didn't forget him altogether. I think its just important that he realizes itll be easy for you to if he doesnt know what's up.

Key Points:
*You are a busy woman. And if you aren't, I would hope this will inspire you to DO something with your time, because you can't be successful and ambitious and reflect that to a guy if you are always doing nothing! Get it together! That, or stop whining about how lazy all your exes were. Who else would have been able to spend all that time doing you dirty? Not a guy who is doing things with his life...that's for sure.
* Make 'em think about you. you may have come off a little rushed and he feels dissed. But oh well! As long as you call back, he's sure to think highly of your time...and want your time! And I'll give them the credit to say that when they want something, they WILL get it. They want what they can't have. Don't make it easy. Time is money. Be worth something.

Til next time! Smooches!!! XOXO